Monday, July 15, 2019

The Queen Has Spoken - Death Monologues: Renegotiating

The Queen Has Spoken - Death Monologues: Renegotiating

I was head over heels in love with him. We laughed and talked then he said I am call you back after I shower. That call never came but instead the next morning they announced he'd gotten his wings shortly after that shower. I fell in the floor grasping my heart I never knew pain like that. I had to go home and tell my husband to give US time to mourn a man who was not him. He honored my request. We cried seemed like forever. He was the only father my children really knew then. Every time we are near his grave we visit him.

The STING of losing HIM lasted for YEARS! I never knew I'd ever have to feel the depth of sorrow in my heart like that ever again. But losing my grandson has superseded any measure of pain of longing for his presence I ever thought I could ever feel. In just the ONLY one MONTH since my grandson got his wings I have really learned the true character of people close to my family and me. These revelations have been DEVASTATING and really PAINSTAKING. Truthfully WE have had to cut off some people ... they had some real TOXIC agendas that WE were blind too, accepted, or ignored prior to our Crown Prince leaving us. Others we ARE praying and asking GOD for the strength to RENEGOTIATE their presence in our LIVES collectively and individually.

I share this intimate snippet into our PRIVATE lives in hopes many will reexamine those close to you. Often we are partnered up with people who DO NOT have our best interest at heart. Time is equally fleeting and consuming but never RECOVERED. So I beseech you to not be like me knowing you have more to leave in this world but get a REALITY SHOT in the HEART that jolts you into living your BEST LIFE NOW! If you are reading this post then some measure of my heart LOVES you and wants you to root for YOU, YOUR DESIRES, and YOUR DREAMS! It is time to WIN at living and LIVE OUR BEST LIVES TODAY!

*** ***I originally began this scribbling in November 2018 but never published it.***

Intra-Perspective ME Speaking!!!

I am always working on me. There is not a moment in my adult life this hasn't been true. However there have been times it wasn't the main focus. The closer I get to 50 the more I have learned how important it is to remember yourself. It doesn't mean you've forgotten, given up, or changed how you love or handle love for others. It just means in your absence what is said about you shouldn't been more important than taking care of yourself.

We only get one life and one body LOVE the HELL out of IT! I literally mean this! Don't accept the boundaries nor live in the borders others have placed you in. Live LIFE OUT LOUD! Love OUT LOUD! LOVE HARD and LOVE OFTEN! So when the your name is called for that final curtain call you will not have lived in regret of putting yourself on the back burner yet again to save, give, or live for someone else as they are GROWING on without YOU! Yes I mean GROWING ON without YOU!

I don't REGRET not one SINGLE moment of giving or lending myself or my resources to anyone or anything whose life or movement was better because of it! However there comes a time where the word BALANCE is threshold of existing we should all strive to live IN! Giving to the depletion of your resolve is SO UNHEALTHY!

I know I have created a believable and usable and repeatable legacy my children and my community can build upon. However it is more important to me that I admit the errors in how hard it has been to build this legacy and making sure they know there are ways to live life as a servant leader without giving up of yourself in totality hoping one day to regain the morsels of vitality left to recreate a space safe for you to say I am choosing me and not feel guilty cause you have accepted this as a badge of honor as you have trained others to have unlimited access to you and your resources.

I choose me finally. Shifting my perspective of giving of myself was not easy. It took losing the tiniest, most precious, most loving person I ever met for me to remember me. I know I attempted many times before to choose me but I erred I choose just the parts of me accessible to be borrowed by others instead of all of me.

I took an intra-perspective look at myself and begin refashioning what it means to LOVE. Love is not about how much you give access of yourself or your resources to others. It is about how you surrender them in space for them to gain appreciation for every breath that is better because of your place in their lives.

I will never STOP giving of myself or my resources for the collective to become a better Koinonia or to have better Umoja for Ubuntu is my apex of existence. However I had to stop surrendering parts of myself in totality and constantly damaging my Kuumba in hopes it will be fully restored and replenished later! 

So in other words .........


Me: New Intra-Perspective